30 July 2014
Baby Olive
Hiya Dad,
Baby Olive was
born 28 July; today I took Mom to meet her, per Charlie's instructions, to the St.
Vincent's Women's Hospital ~ the same hospital in which Aly and Johnny were born,
the same hospital to which I drove you and Mom when Wee Charlie was born just
three months after your first stroke ~ do you remember that day, Dad? Such joy and such disappointment all in one;
I should've remembered that Charlie can let us down faster than spit, I
should've remembered that fact. Dad, it
was hard to go pick up Mom and not you, it was hard to drive the route that I drove
everyday to your bedside in St. Vincent's Hospital. You know that the St. Vincent's Women's
Hospital is right by St. Vincent's Hospital, so I had to drive Mom (and myself)
right past the place we had our weeklong vigil with you, right past where we
had my sad birthday with you, right past the place where you took your last
hard breath. A hard drive, even with the
happy prospect of greeting a new little life at the end of it. Why did I think Charlie might realize how hard
that drive was, and how much the happy Baby Olive part of the day meant to Mom
and me?
Dad, I
cannot even tell you how wonderful it was to hold Olive, she is so sweet. I
wore one of your old soft striped shirts so that your arms could hold her, too.
Jamine was
to come that day too, per Charlie; we did not know she had come the night
before and had already met her granddaughter.
When Mom and I arrived at the hospital that morning at about 9:30, we
were told we need the "passkey" code to go enter the hospital and
visit a room.. "No one gave us a passkey, we said; we did not even know
the room number. Dad, I should've known
right then that we should leave; I knew something was wrong, but I didn't
listen to myself ~ I was so focused on seeing the baby. I was so focused on
having one truly bright and happy "thing" for Mom (and for me) ~ I
was just thinking about seeing the baby and nothing else. Shame on me. Anyway, I texted Erica and asked for the
passkey. She answered, but she sent no
greeting: just the numbers (I should've known then Dad, really). Happily, we went up the elevator and found the
room ~ and there was Charlie, too, so we were so happy to meet Olive, our
beloved Charlie's new baby, with him there.
Charlie and Erica seemed glad we were there. Charlie left after a few
minutes, said he'd been about to leave when we got there. Mom and I stayed with
Erica about 45 minutes, then we went down to the cafeteria to wait for Jamine
and to eat something (I was starving!).
Jamine arrived about an hour later, and we got some food for her and
talked a while ~ she told us she had seen Olive the day before. Anyway, right
after Jamine arrived, Charlie called me, saying we were staying too long, but I
told him his mom had just arrived and we hadn't been in the room very much at all.
He said okay, and I thought that was the end of that: just Charlie jumping to
conclusions as always (as if we had been in the room for hours and hours), just
Charlie being Charlie and criticizing things that did not need criticizing. Anyway, we all went up to see the baby ~ we
were in the room that time less than an hour.
Then back down to the cafeteria, to eat more and just visit. Another hour or so later, back up we went, the
final visit in the room ~ about another hour, shared with a friend of Erica's. All
in all, we visited with Erica and Baby Olive for not even three hours total. When Mom and I left, Jamine stayed behind
(you know she likes to stay late late late, Dad, usually into the wee small
hours of the night ~ she seems to always think people who have "normal"
days/lives do not mind her nocturnal visits!).
So, Mom and
I had a wonderful though poignant day ~ wonderful to see Olive, hard to see her
without you. You and I, Dad, always so
crazy for babies. Hard to not have you there.
Hard to be so close to where you died.
Hard to drive home that same route.
I won't go
into all the ugly details of the hours and days that followed: suffice to say
later that day, I received an ugly text message from Charlie, and Mom got the
more personal version: he yelled at her in her driveway. Apparently, even though we were TOLD to "go
Wednesday," we were not at all welcome.
Apparently, they gave the passkey to only those they wanted in the room
(the two grandmothers). Apparently, it
was our fault for going when we were told to go, and asking for a passkey we
did not know they did not want us to have ~ we were, in short, set up to "make
them mad" or whatever. I told Mom: now
we know; they got what they wanted (as you probly know, your wish to "keep
the house forever" is sort of coming true: I refer to the lease-to-own
contract for your huge house that Charlie, Erica, and Mom signed two days
before Olive was born ~ even that
was handled in a quite ugly and offensive manner by Erica and Charlie. Phil wrote the contract ~ despite his
misgivings, which I am sure you can imagine ~ yet Charlie and Erica insisted on
having another lawyer review it before they'd sign it. Guess who the other lawyer is, Dad? The same lawyer who represented Danny when Charlie
went to court after his dad beat him up in public ~ Danny's lawyer. Honestly,
sometimes I wonder if Charlie has any sense at all, but Phil says Charlie just
does not remember that was Danny's lawyer back then. Phil went with Mom to that guy's office when
they signed the contract, thank god ~ I don't think she could've walked into
that guy's office alone.). Days of
hateful emails to both Mom and me from Charlie, full of accusations and vitriol
about how he "has to protect Erica" ~ from us??? From "Aunt Alys" and from
"Baba" ~ really??? Okay, fine, whatever. Suffice to say, Dad, that forever
my feelings for Charlie are changed, forever.
I love him, I love his children: I do not care if I never see them
again; I can love them from afar. I told
Mom, "I'm done."
I haven't
seen Olive since that day in the hospital.
Mom has seen her a couple of times; Charlie is trying to at least keep
some sense of family with his Baba, but things are different now. Well, what is different is that Mom is not so
blind towards the real Charlie anymore.
She'll keep the peace, she'll of course continue to believe in his
goodness and his love, but there is at least a little crack in those
rose-colored glasses that she wears. A kinda
sad but necessary thing, I guess. As for me, I have too much else to think
about, to do, to be sad about because I miss my son and I am bereft and sad in
general ~ I cannot put any effort into anything about Erica, Charlie, and their
children. Dad, it just isn't worth it ~ you told me when Charlie was a baby,
"Alys you cannot live your life for him" and you were right. I've
seen Charlie several times since Olive was born, I've talked to him on the
phone ~ I can do the surface social stuff just fine. It is what it is, forever. Onward.
Love,
Alys
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