24 August 2014

Johnny

Hiya Dad,

             Today Johnny left for his year at the University in Muenster, Germany.  I honestly do not know how to describe to you how I feel today, how I have felt leading up to this day.  The past few weeks have been a blur of preparation, last minute obstacles to overcome (I think we did overcome all of them), and trying very hard to only show Johnny my love, my pride, my sincere happiness for his great adventure.  I cry when I am alone, though, almost constantly.  I told Aly that she simply cannot "leave" for a year; I just cannot take it if she is also too far away for me to hug every once in a while . . .

              I am so glad Cris is going for a week to help Johnny get settled and make sure he is going to be okay; I know Johnny could do it all by himself, but is a comfort to me that Cris is going. That being said, my grief and my sense of loss is overwhelming ~ I know it is in part because we just lost you two months ago and all of that loss and grief is rolled into my feelings about "losing" Johnny for a year.  I miss him so much, Dad. It is hard to see the Jeep in the driveway and know that Johnny's not here. I need to go finish organizing his bedroom but I just cannot go in there yet.  It just breaks me apart inside. I want so much to hear him bounding down the stairs . . . Dad, I miss him so much.  I miss you so much.  It is hard to go see Mom and not see you in the little window or walk in to find you in one of your chairs.  I can hardly bear it, so how must she feel, there in that house where you "are" everywhere she looks?  I can't wait to get her out of there and into Tower Court.  We will work fast; all the work and stuff that needs to be done to move Mom is about the only thing I can hold onto right now; it is the only thing that is keeping me from a complete meltdown after I saw Johnny and Cris walk down that corridor. 

             Dad, how am I to get through this year?  What am I to do on your birthday?  On Halloween? Christmas?  How do I hang up Johnny's stocking? Johnny's birthday is in April and he will be in Germany ~ how do I do that day?  All of these days, without you, without Johnny. How do I do it?  My birthday will roll around in June, and then three days later, your death anniversary.

             

             I am right now not sure I can do any of it, I am right now unable to imagine those days, and all the days in between them.

Love,

Alys