03 October 2014

These Days 

Hiya Dad,

        These days recently have been strange, busy, exhausting.  I'm keeping busy.  I'm moving forward.  I'm publicly more "myself" again.  I'm so sad, though, Dad, I'm just so sad inside all the time.  Nothing feels quite right.

        I'll try for some positive things here first.  The Rosanne Cash concert was amazing; at the end, she sang Tennessee Flat Top Box and The Long Black Veil.  I barely made it through The Long Black Veil, remembering all those long hard days when I was little and sick and I would wait, holding on, for that song to come around on my Johnny Cash albums, remembering traipsing around Grandmommy's house trailing that long black scarf pinned to my head.  Remembering remembering remembering.

       I did meet Rosanne Cash, Dad, and she was lovely.  She was kind, gracious, amazing.  Her tour manager introduced us and gave her some details about why we were backstage: the other people who met with her that night were two friends of hers and Jimmy Buffett's tour manager and his friends ~ we were definitely the "odd" group in the Green Room.  When her tour manager told her about me spending my birthday with you in the hospital and you passing three days later, she looked at me and said, "My mother died on my birthday, so I know exactly how you feel."  Then, she said we should not talk anymore about sad things, and her tour manager took our photo: she put her arm around me and so I put my arm around her, and I felt our hipbones touch.  

        Dad, she remembered my "Forty Shades of Green" necklaces; she opened up my "Guitar String" pendant and put it on immediately (I did not want to be pushy and ask for another photo with her wearing it!).  Aly met her, too, Dad; I was so happy they let ALL of us go back to meet Rosanne Cash.  Simply put, she could not have been nicer, more gracious, more kind.  It was a night to remember; I know you and Johnny Cash enjoyed yourselves, watching me babble rather incoherently and seeing how wonderfully kind she was in response.

        So, you can see that my days are an emotional rollercoaster: up, down, and all around.  I have the highs like Rosanne Cash and finishing my Reclaimed River Salvage project.  Thank you, Dad, for saving that old wooden frame for me ~ it made my piece possible.  I also used your four little green plastic things as "feet" ~ I have no idea what they were for originally, and neither does Mom, but we both are happy that I found a use for them.  I took my finished fireplace screen over to Tower Court and took some photographs of it there: it looked great on the hearth and also just up against a plain white wall, so I think it is a success.

I turned it in yesterday, and received my commission check.  Tonight, I will go to the "unveiling" of the three River Salvage pieces; the other two artists' pieces are really good, so I just hope that people will like my "Bringing The River Home" fireplace screen.  I'm happy it is done, I am happy with what I created; as with everything lately, my happiness feels kind of out-of-body, like it is someone else's happiness.  These days, only feelings that truly feel like they are mine are the sad ones. 
        I think Johnny is right: I need to take at least a day for myself soon, with no outside communication, no phones, no computers, just me and the backyard. I need more than five minutes back there, in my rocking chair, listening to the breeze move the branches of my trees, listening as the leaves murmur to me in voices from the past: Grandmommy's, Baba's, Dedo's, Uncle Jack's, and yours.  I need to grieve alone for more than a few minutes at a time: I've just been too busy with Mom, the house, my art projects, and just trying to keep strong.  I need to cry all day for a whole day. I need to fall asleep from crying, and it would be better to do that under my trees.

        Dad, do you remember all the trees we planted when I was little? Seems like everywhere we lived, we planted trees.  I remember holding their trunks straight while you filled in the dirt around their roots.  I've planted trees everywhere I've lived as an adult ~ even at rentals!  You remember when I planted all the trees here, and Cris thought they'd never grow?  Maples, the  curly willow, the regular willow, the black walnut, Johnny's little helicopter seeds ~ they are all sky-high now.  Yesterday, I planted a curly willow and a regular willow at Tower Court ~ in the backyard, near the top of the rise, where they can suck up a lot of water before it drains down into the crawl space.  Mom was so happy ~ she blew kisses to Aly and Johnny as I took her picture with each tree.

 

We had a good day, Mom and I.  After I turned in my River Salvage project, I went off to find Mom, and we went to lunch at The Hamilton Restaurant.  She loved it; said it was the best veggie burger she ever had, and she loved the desert, too (Hummingbird cake).  We took two coconut macaroons to eat later.  We had no plan to shop, but on a whim, we went to Lowe's and I bought the trees, and we went to Whimzy and found a wonderful old Polish doll that is perfect for the top shelf in Mom's closet.  After I planted the trees, we sat in the screened porch and ate our macaroons. We had a good day, Dad, we truly did.
Love,
Alys